Thursday, January 13, 2011

Sapporo Melon Cream Soda

I'm going to start this post by saying I'm disappointed in you.

That's right.

Because... seriously, guys. Why would you EVER think a soda claiming to be "melon float" [and on that note, I am terribly sorry, because I went by the picture rather than the katakana and called it that in error. (It is actually メロンクリームソダ, or "melon cream soda")] would be good?

I... I just honestly do not know what to do with you.

But this blog is here for your entertainment, even at my expense.

So at long last... I cracked open...

Sapporo Melon Cream Soda

Here it is, in all its neon green glory.

And there it is, in all its neon green glory. Let's take a closer look, shall we?

A closer look

It appears to say... がぶ飲み -- gabunomi? According to Google Translate, this means "gulp". So the full title of this beverage is "Gulp Melon Cream Soda." I think "gulp" is pretty appropriate here, because it is what I did in fear when I tremulously approached this drink. But anyway, when you turn it around, there's something on the back!

MISSION 2!

Mission 2, you guys! ... Alright, I'll bite: what's the mission?

This.

...

Apparently, you have to... cosplay with the soda??

WHAT.

WHAT.

Really, I'm not kidding - it says "No.1 コスプレーヤー!!" (kosupure-ya-) and then shows this guy posing with the soda and getting his picture taken. This is truly bizarre.

Uh, so, points for originality there, Melon Cream Soda... but I haven't even begun, have I? Time to crack it open... and it opens with a sad fizz that does not indicate anything good. I am scared. Time to sniff it.

Hmmmm.

It smells like sugared-up ramune. If you've ever smelled normal ramune, you know to make it smell any more like bubblegum would be pretty hard and so this is a smell that that's... uh... pretty intense.

I am so scared.

I am going to drink this.

Gulp.

...

Oh, oh no.

...

OH GOOD LORD

AUUGHHHHH. It is SO BAD. How bad? I WANT TO WASH IT DOWN WITH PEPSI NEX. IT IS AWFUL.

I TOOK THESE PHOTOS LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AGO AND I CAN STILL TASTE IT.

AUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

For those of you who were like, "oh, melon float, sounds utterly charming", I wish I could send you a bottle so you, too, can enjoy this. It's great!

No, I'm only kidding. I don't hate any of you enough to inflict MELON CREAM SODA on you. I'll just send it to my enemies and then go to jail for putting biowaste in the post.

Auugggghhh.

HURRGHHH

Packaging: A-
Bouquet: F
Interpretation of theme: F
All-around Taste: F-
Final grade: F

Sapporo's Gulp Melon Cream Soda gets high points for its extremely bizarre packaging, and bombs everything else so badly I wish there was a lower grade than F. Grrrrroooooossssss.

I'm gonna hope to high heavens that Suika Soda isn't as much as of a gastronomical disaster as this sugared up sewer sludge.

Forever in your service,
-Sarah

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